Funny Marriage Quotes

Indianonrent.com has full of funny but remarkable ideas. You might want to visit that cause they have a bunch of good sites that will leave your jaw open, mind dreaming and breath taking ideas. Here is some humurous jokes that I got from that site.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
-David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just
can't face each other, but still they stay together.
-Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you
get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
-Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is,
"What does a woman want?
-Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
-Anonymous

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
-Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than
electronic banking. It's called marriage."
-James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the
second one didn't."
-Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong,
Admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
-Nash

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
-Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-Milton Berle

Citibank Scandal with Subtitle

this makes our job very hard.

Rebloop

But they say Filipinos are among the best call center operators around! Here are real incidents from our call center subsidiary which does outbound telemarketing to US households. The comments in parenthesis were added in by a project manager whose job it is to audit some of the calls at random. He started circulating these anecdotes internally. Pinoy humor in real life.

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(CSR - Customer Service Representative)
CSR: Do you have any child so we could send out these gifts to you?
CLIENT: I'm sorry but i don't have any child.
CSR: Oh i understand, what about any grandchild? (wala ngang anak di ba, asa ka pang mayapo.

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CSR: . . . and for our records, may i know your child's b day?
CLIENT: I don't know her b day. . .
CSR:Oh come on, it's your responsibility to know your child's b day. (tarayan ba ang customer?)

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CLIENT: (mad) how many times do i have to tell you I didn't purchase any card!
CSR: Ma'am, I'm talking about a 'car', a toy car, not a card.
CLIENT: but i said i didn't purchase any card!
CSR: No ma'am, not a card, what i mean is a car, an automotive. (baka ibig mong sabihin automobile)

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

CLIENT: What is that space bag bulk storage system? (By the way, a space bag is a big bag, not sure if it's made of plastic, which size adjusts depending! on the amount of air you vacuum out)

CSR:(with limited product knowledge) Well sir, it's some kind of a space bag, it's like a storage system where you put your things. (salamat sa explanation)

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

CLIENT: What is this space bag?
CSR: (basta may masabilang) ah sir, it's the thing worn by astronauts.(kakaiba tong taong to) BELIEVE IT OR NOT, HE IS NOW ONE AMONG THE FEW SELECTED TRAINERS.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

CSR: We are giving you a free gift. You can either have the space bug bulk storage system or . . . CLIENT: What the hell is a space bug? (a single letter spelled the big difference)

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CLIENT: What is this squeeze wrench?
CSR: It's a wrench that you squeeze for better grip. (huh?)

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CLIENT: I won't allow you telemarketers to fool me. Nothing in this world is for free. Now tell me the catch!
CSR: (medyo napikon at umisip ng pambawi) Ah sir, have you ever listened to the Beatles?
CLIENT: Well what about it?
CSR: What does their song say about the best things in life?
CLIENT: It's free.... but you know what ...
CSR: (bangs the phone before the client could start with his stuff. (YIKES)

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

CSR: One last thing sir, may i have your city of birth?
CLIENT: What?
CSR: Your city of birth?
CLIENT:What? i can't quite hear you.
CSR: (irita na) I said your city of birth, the place of your born! (nagalit pa)

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

In the initial calling days, we were encouraged to go verbatim as little as possible. Stick to the script! Seems like a good practice right? (except for some special incidents).

CSR: So how is your car wash gadget?
CLIENT: It was a piece of junk! (irate)
CSR:Oh that's nice to hear from you, sir! (at least nag-stick sa script)

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

CSR: As a way of expressing our gratitude, we are sending your choice of free gift. You could either have a Bushnell binoculars.....
CLIENT: What is a binocular?
CSR: It's the thing you use to make far objects appear closer.
CLIENT: I don't get it.
CSR:You know, it's the thing you use when you look out the window....
CLIENT: I'm sorry but i really don't know it.
CSR: (a bright idea came about) ah! sir, have you ever seen a telescope?
CLIENT: Yup!
CSR: All you do now is get one telescope on your right hand, and another one on the left, put them together, look at the eye pieces and there you have binoculars.
CLIENT:Oh, you mean binoculars! (may point tong CSR na to noh?)

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

CSR: Yes, may i talk to mr. _ _ _ _ _ ?
CLIENT:He's not around, is there anything i can do for you?
CSR: It's ok, i just called to inform him that because he purchased an item from us, he is entitled to receive a free gift item. Anyway, I'll just call humpback.
CLIENT: Really? would you like me to give you his mobile phone no. so you can get in touch with him.
CSR: Ok! (CSR noticed that the cell no. lacks the first four digits, he forgot that he was talking to US people, so he asked) Is it Globe or Smart?
CLIENT:pardon?
CSR: (realizing he committed a mistake) oh, i said i'll just try to contact him......

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A newly hired CSR just made his first sale . .
CSR: Yes! (sabay lagok sa coffee ng katabi nya) (tama ba namang ma-carried away)

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Note: It is a common practice in SVI-connect that a coach sits beside a first timer. Another newly hired CSR (good looking) just made his first sale (or should I say her first sale). Anyway, here is her, I mean history:

CSR: (extremely tense while pitching. From time to time, he looked at his coach to verify if he is doing the right things. Coach approved. Finally,after a few minutes of persuading the client to accept the offer, he was able to close the deal. He became so delighted that he faced his coach (who happens to be an attractive lady), embraced her, and said 'thank you mommy!' (BUMIGAY ANG BRUHA!)

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

CSR: We are giving away a free miniature car for free just because you purchased a product from us before. Well anyway sir, do you happen to be a car collection? (mas maganda yatang pakinggan kung car collector)

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

CSR: ... and as a safeguard to show that i really did talk to you, may i have your city of birth, the place where you were born?
CLIENT: Inglewood
CSR:Where sir? In the woods? You were born in the woods?(Sino yan, si Tarzan?) enjoyy....

BLOOPERS 2

i compiled some of the funny call center bloopers i had read in different websites...


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CS: I w! as hoping you can take this survey with me... Would you have the time to do that, sir?
Contact: How long is this gonna to take?
CS: Mmm.. MGA three minutes....(ay shyet!!!)

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CS: ...That's E as in I-KOW... (echo)(oki lang yan, Dong...)

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ethernet cord connected???...
Cust: Tha Hwhut??? (with alabama accent)
TS: Yung yellow cord, mheem...
(oh-oow ngee nehmeeennn..)

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local client kaya mostly pinoy and callers, usually from visayas...
Cust: hiillo! wala kasi yung bell ng pon namin???...
CS: Hindi naman po ba nabagsak yung phone?
Cust: Hende naman...
CS: Kailan pa po ito nagsimula?
Cust: Ang alen?
CS: .Na hindi po nagri-ring yung phone?
Cust: Nagre-reng naman ah?!
CS: Di ba wala pong ring?
Cust: Hende! yong BELL!.. yong lestahan nong babayaran namin!!!...
CS: aahhh... yung BILL?!!!(hende kase nagve-verefie mabote... tsk, tsk, tsk...)

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CS: It’s Very easy to install. Its like eating french fries as easy as one , two, three.

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CS: THank you for having business with us. Have a nice Life!

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CSA: Thats N for nancy, the number zero, then V for Victor and then L ( Napaisip ata kasi new hire palang) ahhh, uhmm, L as in LIEMPO!
CX: whats liempoh?

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TS: okay.. do we have the black screen up now? (referring to the command prompt screen)
Customer: yes
TS: okay.. lets type in there, all in one word, ipconfig-
Customer: (interrupting) -wait.. how do you spell that?
TS: IPCONFIG, sir..it’s I as in India,P as in Peter,C as in Charlie,O as in Orlando,F as in Frank,I as in India again, andG as in Jesus!

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CSR: would you mind to spell that out for me sir? and kindly use phonetics, thanks
Customer: ok, here you go.. its Davis QuiltD-davida-applev- violeti- indias- smith and for my last name its Q- cucumber
...and before the customer can continue the agent interrupted..
CSR: what was that again sir, Q as in what?
Customer: cucumber…
CSR: Sir cucumber starts with C not with Q.. so is it C as in Cucumber or Q as in Queen…Customer: Ahhhh, ic… Its c as in cucumber…
...see its not always the filipinos who commits mistakes when it comes to english.

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CX: (irate effect)Your company sucks...i'm going to sue your company...(suddenly the cx sstrated to curse the female agent...sorry for this one but it really need to be mention to get the story).....F*CK Y*O....F*CK Y*O. . .
CSR: Sir no please no, please don't f*ck me, it hurts...please don't f*ck me...it really hurts...
(as if you can do that via phone)

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CCR: Okay well I have changed the information on your account as you have requested. Is there anything else I can do for you today sir?
CX: No thats all. Thanks.
CCR: Ok sir, thank you for calling so much!

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CX: Please hold on, I'm looking through my statement.
CCR: Yes ma'am, I'm just here.(CCR heard a bird in the background)
CCR: Oh you have a pet bird ma'am?
CX: Yes I do! How did you know?
CCR: I can hear the tweet-tweet!

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ME: O mam can i put you on hold for about 2 months?I have to talk with my supervisor with this.
TL: ulupong mamamatay na ang customer sa kaiintay sayo (katabi ko lang kasi sya)
ME: Sorry mam, what i mean is put you on hold for 2 mins.
Nasabi ko kasi dahil may offer samin na two months free for 2nd line of service.

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Agent: Tenk U por coling blah blah... how me I helf U? (Tigas ng english )
Caller ( a Filipino in the US by chance ): Halo, mistir ken I pind out the retes blah blah blah...

The conversation goes on... while both parties are slowly feeling and discovering each side was a filipino due to heavy accent but the agent doesn't say he's Filipino. The agent is not allowed to disclose his identity and location. Finally, the caller got tired of talking in english...and he said "Ay ke herap naman mag-inglis!" Mag-tagalog na lang tayo! Sige na! Pilipino ka noh!?! Pilipino ka noh!?!
Agent: NO! ( said empathically )
Caller: Pilipino ka e! Naintindihan mo ako e!

AY BUKING! At dineny pa nya pinoy sya! HARHARHARHAR!

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Cx: "So, how does your flowers arrive?"
Agent: "They are shipped already arranged and wrapped in a gift box, and they get to you in bad form (she was meaning to say "bud")."
Cx: "What? I'll never order from your company. How come you let them get to your customers in bad form?"
Agent: "Oh, I'm so sorry, mhiiim. I meant to say "bad", that's B-U-D."
Cx: "Oh, you mean bud?"

Wakanga, sale pa rin 'tong call na 'to.

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On another call and another agent, a customer was being "barat" and was trying to choose a cheaper bouquet.
Agent: "Really now, mhiiim, I certainly would suggest that you instead send the lavender roses because it is far more better..."Hehehehe...
Talk about redundancy.

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Agent: ohh hi there, May i Speak with Mr. or Mrs. Smith?
Cus: Yeah..this is Mrs. SMith..Who's Calling?Agent: My name is Krizzy and im calling on behalf of blah baah blah...How are you today?
Cus: i feel terrible, im on my way to the hospital coz' My Husband needs to undergo serious operation tonight for his cancer..
Agent: OH THAT's GREAT to hear!!!(ayy deadma sya di ba,,wala na empathy o sympathy) well, the reason for my call is..oh my god Mrs. Smith, I forgot to say, I apologize to hear about your husband...
(bigla na lang nya na realized na kailangan pala nyang mag sympathize at emphatize sa customer)

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trying to spell out the name of the customer
CSR: is that S.A.S.E or S.A.F.E ?
Customer: YES
CSR: Ha?

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Tech Support: "OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"

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cust: I want to talk to a manager!
rep: Well I happen to be a manager.
cust: If you're a manager then why are you taking calls?
rep: I'm the manager of this workstation, sir.

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cust: I want to talk to your supervisor!rep: I'm sorry she's not around.
cust: Give me the name of your supervisor!
rep: I'm sorry I can't give you her name. (we weren't allowed to give names of our TLs as well).

*after around five minutes of arguing and asking for a supervisor's name, the rep, tired, relents*

rep: okay sir, I'll give you my supervisor's name.
cust: what is it?
rep: her first name is Mary and her last name is Walter
cust: Aha! Mary Walter it is! I'll call back and look for Mary Walter! (unknown to the customer, Mary Walter is a Filipina actress who is very much DEAD!)

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Cust: Hello, are you still there?
Agent: (taranta) Yes Sir, I'm still there!

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customer(trainer): okei my acct number is 1234567890
agent: im sorry i was not able to get the last four(so the customer repeats it again)
agent: thank you for that can i have your concern?
customer: i have lost my card so you need to replace it immediately
agent: im so sorry to hear that.. let me help you...
customer: okay you can stop saying sorry okei? im in a bad mood already
agent: yes no problem.. im sorry again for that.

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ONSITE TECH: the customer is not with me right now, but i called in his behalf for a system exchange.
ME: oh okay... would you know if he opened the chassis?
ONSTE TECH: i don't think so... but uh, yeah.. i don't hink he even used it yet. it just came in and it's not working and stuff, y'know?
ME: alright.. so you mean that the system is virtually virginal..uhh. ummm.. i mean, it's still untouched?!!

Fun Bloopers

Telesales agent getting the customer's credit card info:
Agent: Can I have your expiration date, sir?
Customer: My what?!!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ------
Telesales agent giving promo spiels:
Agent: You called at the right time, ma'am. We have a lot of freebies to give away, such as free installation, free equipment, and free DVD player. That's a great offer, di ba?
Customer: huh?!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Agent verifying info from the customer:
Agent: Is that a P for Ping-Pong?
Customer: No, it's B.
Agent: Oh, B, like Bing-Bong...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
Customer trying to return a defective product:
Customer: I need to return this defective sauna belt that you delivered yesterday.
Agent: For that concern, you can call our customer service at www.picustomerservi ce.com.
Customer: Call where??!!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------
Agent answering a call:
Agent: Thank you for calling Dish Network Department, my name is Vince..... (sees that the number called by customer is for a different client-- a DirecTV dealer).
Customer: So, I called the wrong number then?
Agent: Let me transfer you to DirecTV please dont go.... (puts the customer on hold, and then)... Thank you for calling DirecTV Department, my name is Vince...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ------
Agent wrapping up the sale:
Agent: Our INSTALLATORS will contact you within the next 24 hours to verify your installation schedules...
Customer: Uhm.... say what, now. Who's gonna call me?
Agent: The INSTALLATORS, sir.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Agent getting coupon code from customer:
Agent: Can I ask for the coupon code? It's a bunch of letters.
Customers: Like ABCs?
Agent: Yes.
Customer: Ok. ABCDEFG....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ------
Agent giving the customer service web address:
Agent: It's P- as in Papa, I- as in India , C- as in costume, U- as in you, S- as in Sam, T- as in Tango, O.... Oscar...V- for Voy...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Agent wrapping up the sale, trying to give the account info to customer:
Agent: I will now be giving you your account number and order confirmation number, do you have a PEN and BALLPEN with you?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Agent trying to create urgency over the available promotion:
Agent: Are you sure you don't want to take advantage of me?
Customer: Say, what?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Agent trying to upsell a warranty:
Agent: Here's an example: In California , a plane crashed into a customer's house, their dish was replaced, no questions asked!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ------
Agent trying to upsell a TiVo to customer:
Agent: With a TiVo, you can do this and that, and you know, pretty much anything under the sun. Isn't that a great offer?
Customer: What?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Agent was asking the customer about the cost of his cable service:
Agent: How much are you paying with your current provider?
Customer: Well, I'm only paying $25.00 (--which is way cheaper than what the agent was offering)
Agent: (Surprised) Shet, magkano??!!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Agent getting customer's address:
Agent: Can I have your address, please?
Customer: It's twenyfurfif- ysavan newyaorkgh road ( 2457 New York Road )
Agent: Can you repeat that ulit?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Agent asking the customer to be put on hold:
Tech Agent: Sir, Can I hold you for just a minute?
Customer: Sure, baby, go ahead!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
Agent verifying correct spelling:
Agent: Is that a B as in boy, or a B as in Bravo?
Customer: ...uhmmm... how about B as in Boy?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Technical Agent giving customer support:
Agent: Is the ethernet cord connected?
Cust: Tha Hwhut??? (with Alabama accent)
Agent: Yung yellow cord kung nakakabit ba!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Technical Agent: To help you out with your concern, ma'am, let me just pull out my tool here, ok? (referring to a computer program used in call centers to address the customer's concerns)
Customer: Pull out your what now?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Tech Support: Okay, Bob, just type P on your keyboard?
Customer: What? Could you repeat that?
Tech Support: 'P' on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: No way. I'm not going to do that.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ------
Agent: Sir, that is C for Cubao, Q for Quiapo.....
Customer: What is that?! I dont understand. I don't want to talk to you.
Agent: Who do you want to talk to?
Customer: I want to talk to the highest person.
Agent: My supervisor is not available as of the moment sir.
Customer: I said, I want to talk to the highest person.
Agent: Ok, you want to talk to the highest person?
Customer: Yes!
Agent: Do you want to talk to God?
Customer: what the f***! I'd rather talk to you.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Irate Customer: F***k you!
Tech Support: Sir, we're not allowed to say "F***k you!" here...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
Agent: It's C as in CAT.
Customer: what?
Agent: C as in CAT. C-A-T as in meow meow...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Agent: Thank you for calling us, this is Candy, how may I help you?
Customer: What did you say your name was... Mandy?
Agent: No, sir, it's Candy.
Customer: Sorry, i can't hear ya... didja say Mandy?
Agent: It's Candy sir... Candy... as in Storck!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Agent: Alright, let me verify that... Was that a "G" as in golf?
Customer (with a different accent): NO! That was a "G" as! in GEBRA! (z as in zebra)
Agent: Oh, Gebra! like the one in the Goo?!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
Agent: Yeah, sir....hello sir... are you there?
Customer: Yes, sorry. I'm still there.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Agent: Ok, sir... do u have a PEN and a PENCIL ready?
Customer: What?!!
Agent: Oh, Im sorry, sir... i mean, do u have a PEN and a BALLPEN ready?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Agent: I'd like to speak with Billy Thompson please?
Contact: He's not in. Would you like to leave a message in his voicemail?
Agent: Sure, SIGE..
------------ --------- -----
Tech support: We're going to perform a check disk to see if your hard drive has errors in it. Please type in C-H-K-D-S-K.
Customer: What is that again?
Tech Support: C-H-K-D-S-K. .. that is... C as in Charlie... H as in Harley... K as in Karly.. D as in Darley... S as in Sarley... and K as in Karly... got it?