A Scenery of Regression

It was a dawn of nostalgia. A night after an explosion of an emotional spree. I can hear myself breathing, gasping for breath. A breathing waiting for a perfect timing to jest out. It's one cold night. Everybody else are feeling it but it feels more colder within. I can't hardly see where I am going but I do trust the light of the moon, guiding me to where ever I am heading. I can hear an eerie whistling, probably its just the wind but nevertheless I don't even care. The cold wind digging deeper into my skin wanting it to make me feel the naked coldness of it. I know, even the cold damp of the wind, is trying to stop me to go forth. I am no where, but I am seeking for something, a quench of something to make this feeling go away.

I stood still, moved a bit and watched myself cautiously. I find myself beautiful, well everybody are but I think its all a waste. I feel completely pathetic, untenable. I wanted to make it stop, but it seems like nobody can help me from stopping it. I cried, as I cried I was watching my tears fell from my cheek. Every drop of it I tried to count it, but it wasn't helping. I stopped cause what I'm doing was not helping. I look up, and watched the stars. I was looking for my favorite star. The one that always shine amidst of the clouds that tries to cover it. It was there, just shining. It was waiting for me to talk. No, probably waiting for me to cry out and shout everything I had. But I know it can't hear me. Though it shines brightly telling me that it will always be there, watching me.

I look closer to a sight, a sight I always loved to watch but it doesn't help. Its the calmness of the sea, the mirroring light of the moon lighting up the ocean with a conservative manner. Yeah, the sight I always loved to watch, so good yet so hard to find. The sumptuous feeling watching that sight. I remember how I long for such feeling, and how everything fades. Maybe its not for me to have. Maybe I am really bound to lose it or maybe I'm not just fortunate. Or maybe, I am too selfish on sharing it.

This feeling of desperation and guilt, its sickening me. This malevolent feeling. I wish it would stop.

I looked up on the stars, letting the stars know how helpless I am. I walked back. Trying to feed the thought I just had realize. It seems like I am aloof to this.

Then I realize, its better to dream.

Some Attack

jealousy has never been my kind of bread. its not my attitude to be envious of what other has and i don't have. it has always been my perception no to envy others what they have because everything has a reason of why. but lately, things are changing the way i'm not planning it. i always tell myself its just the initial feeling of it but later it'll brush off, but i don't think things are going fine as the way i perceived them. life is complicated and i think its getting more on my end. i hate this kind of feeling when i had already overcome this before. its not just the first time but i know its not this worse that i had to settle and be quiet thinking of worse scenarios i could ever think of. probably i'm jus imaginative, or tired. stress out, so i think need to push back.

Unusual Mood

we just got a share of the songs we've been hearing humming through our ears. well everybody have their own music in different times of their lives. but this fits perfectly with what we are feeling right now. just feeling sentimental and cheesy at the same time. this goes for My Alles.


i got this song dedicated for him..

and this song was from him...

the usual thing is never the last of it. just cant get enough of you My Alles....

Unfortunate Start

i just had the worse day i think. woke up with a headache cause i really need to run on something with the appointment scheduled for 3. i thought i was late so i was thinking of the best excuse. on my way, i saw a girl got bumped or hit by a motorbike. i saw her shake like she was possessed by a demonic spirit and drool saliva in her mouth which had shake me up. it was an awful site and i really wanted to help or do something to help her out. but I'm not ready for those situations so i just prayed for her, for whatever will happen to her. upon arriving to the said venue of the said meeting place, i was present, my teams were not. cool isn't it? and the best thing, i canceled my whole team cause i know for the fact that there's no future on pursuing it. went on with my shift, it was almost as good, but turned out that i had a cold war with someone inside our team. I'm used to it, but the thing is that it made my day worse. Err, this is not a good start for the week for me.

Unwanted

I woke up late and had even this feeling of not wanting to go anywhere but stay and be with my bed to sleep. I used to have this feeling before when i was working in my previous company because of the hectic and frantic schedule that we have. But with the new company, i still dont know why. Probably its because of the schedule that i am not comfortable with. Well i am adjusting with my schedule, probably. But im not really comfortable with it cause when i sleep, i can already see the sun rising up and people passing by to do something and stuffs that they need to do. And if i were a vampire, probably i already burned. Nyahaha. Oh well, i wish we could have our old schedule back. I miss walking early morning going to my home and brushing my teeth and its still dark and no one is passing by around my house. Well, i just have to pass by with this schedule and make sure i work out with this.