A Scenery of Regression

It was a dawn of nostalgia. A night after an explosion of an emotional spree. I can hear myself breathing, gasping for breath. A breathing waiting for a perfect timing to jest out. It's one cold night. Everybody else are feeling it but it feels more colder within. I can't hardly see where I am going but I do trust the light of the moon, guiding me to where ever I am heading. I can hear an eerie whistling, probably its just the wind but nevertheless I don't even care. The cold wind digging deeper into my skin wanting it to make me feel the naked coldness of it. I know, even the cold damp of the wind, is trying to stop me to go forth. I am no where, but I am seeking for something, a quench of something to make this feeling go away.

I stood still, moved a bit and watched myself cautiously. I find myself beautiful, well everybody are but I think its all a waste. I feel completely pathetic, untenable. I wanted to make it stop, but it seems like nobody can help me from stopping it. I cried, as I cried I was watching my tears fell from my cheek. Every drop of it I tried to count it, but it wasn't helping. I stopped cause what I'm doing was not helping. I look up, and watched the stars. I was looking for my favorite star. The one that always shine amidst of the clouds that tries to cover it. It was there, just shining. It was waiting for me to talk. No, probably waiting for me to cry out and shout everything I had. But I know it can't hear me. Though it shines brightly telling me that it will always be there, watching me.

I look closer to a sight, a sight I always loved to watch but it doesn't help. Its the calmness of the sea, the mirroring light of the moon lighting up the ocean with a conservative manner. Yeah, the sight I always loved to watch, so good yet so hard to find. The sumptuous feeling watching that sight. I remember how I long for such feeling, and how everything fades. Maybe its not for me to have. Maybe I am really bound to lose it or maybe I'm not just fortunate. Or maybe, I am too selfish on sharing it.

This feeling of desperation and guilt, its sickening me. This malevolent feeling. I wish it would stop.

I looked up on the stars, letting the stars know how helpless I am. I walked back. Trying to feed the thought I just had realize. It seems like I am aloof to this.

Then I realize, its better to dream.

Me and Stupid Me

i never did learn. i told my self before not to indulge again on this such things but because of promising views and positive feeling i dug deep myself to things i would later have pain with. i just got a hold of unwanted feelings, ache, numbness and even having a hard time to breath. its starting to devour me all over again and all i can do is sit and stare blankly thinking what i can do. i'm not new to this kind of feeling but it'll just remind me of my stupidness, realizing why in the hell earth you jumped in again to this the same pit hurting yourself over again. its a question i wanted to ask and its the only question i could not even think of to reason out. just too complicated to understand, even i am having a hard time to understand myself. i never thought i had a dysfunctional kind of relationship till i realized that it already was. i never ran out of lame excuses but i cannot even think of one to cover this up. i want to break out already, think out the best things i could think of, enjoy, anticipate happiness but i just cant. i'm running out of positive things to think of and i think i had to remain on this agony. i just cant get enough of this song, just makes me think of how stupid i am.

Patience Weakness

got my mind boggled lately. thinking about the last few days of my shift and still doing the same thing, which is being irritated. i am afraid that i might lose my job because of what im doing letting patience get over to your brain and letting emotion manipulate the actions that your doing. im a patient person, yes i know, how long? thats still a question i cant even answer. well, there is no patient man in the world after all.